“TEN!” prayed Sebastian, as he knelt before the statue of Andraste. He closed his eyes in prayer as he wished blessings and good fortune on all of his friends.
“NINE!” laughed Varric, as he slammed the empty shot glass down next to the others. His opponent groaned and slumped to the table, defeated. The grinning dwarf pulled the small pile of coin toward him as he chuckled to himself.
“EIGHT!” counted Anders, swirling a small glass full of the foul-smelling brown fluid. He glanced back at the open book, noting the precise measurements. The formula was so close, he could feel it. It had taken almost all of his supply of drakestone and sela petrae, but he was sure he could finish soon.
“SEVEN!” bellowed Aveline, as she kicked the last of the unruly prisoners into his cell. “Bloody thieves can’t even give me a night off,” she grumbled as she slammed the door shut and locked it with a large iron key. She could be home, toasting the new year, but she knew that her loyal guardsmen deserved the night off. She sighed, pouring herself a small glass of wine from the bottle she kept locked in her desk.
“SIX!” sighed Fenris. He looked down unhappily at the last of Denarius’s wine stores in the cellar. Only six bottles remained. He’d have to buy more at the market soon. He idly wondered whether Hawke would help him carry bottles of wine to his home if he asked nicely.
“FIVE!” whispered Bethany, carefully turning the page. She could not tear her eyes away from the book Isabela had sent her, and huddled in her bed quietly so the templars would not hear her. The tales of Jethra the Passionate were amazing, but five lovers at once? Unbelievable!
“FOUR!” shouted Gamlen, as he smashed the ball with his mallet. “I may be old, but I’m still the best wallop player in Lowtown!” he laughed. Charade could only roll her eyes as she readied her own mallet for a swing.
“THREE!” announced Jethann, as he uncovered his eyes. Looking about the room at the Rose, he gave a sly wink and a grin as he took in every detail. “Ready or not, here I come…”
“TWO!” said Sandal with a wide smile, as Bodahn appeared bearing a platter set with a pair of cupcakes, each iced with pink frosting. His smile went even wider as he took his first bite, while his father figure looked on in pride.
“One,” whispered Isabela, as she pulled the last of the silk scarves from her body, leaving it completely bare in the candlelight. The scarf fell slowly to the floor as the pirate sauntered towards her lover who awaited her on the bed.
“Happy new year to me,” replied Hawke with a sultry smile, before blowing out the candle.
| Merrill: | Is it time to begin yet? |
| Isabela: | You seem quite excited, kitten. Can't wait to begin your role-playing adventure? |
| Merrill: | Oh, yes. I've always wanted to see what it's like to be a sexy pirate. |
| Varric: | You seem pretty at-ease with this whole role-playing thing yourself, Rivaini. |
| Isabela: | (shrugs) This game uses dice. The ones I'm used to use tear-away costumes. I'm thoroughly familiar with both. |
| Aveline: | Please tell me you'll be keeping your clothing on for these sessions. |
| Isabela: | You know I'd never be able to keep that promise. |
| Fenris: | I believe we are beginning soon. |
| Anders: | Excellent. Hopefully Ser Ponce-a-lot will begin enslaving mages tonight. |
| Sebastian: | Are there any cheese breads? |
| Hawke: | Settle down, we're about to begin. So when last we left, you had all settled in for the evening. The night passes without any particular strangeness, and in the morning your team gathers at the gates to the city of Ravenwood to rescue Nalia, the daughter of Ser Stavros, from bandits in the northeast. |
| Varric: | For science fiction, this sure seems an awful lot like what we do on a regular basis. |
| Merrill: | I'm sure it is just starting that way. |
| Hawke: | What would you like to do first? |
| Aveline: | We should go to the site of the last caravan attack and look for clues. |
| Isabela: | Can't turn it off even for an evening with friends, can you? |
| Aveline: | There's nothing wrong with investigation where bandits are concerned. |
| Isabela: | Cawke will lead the way to the caravan site. |
| Merrill: | Meribela will follow. And... (glances at Isabela, who motions with her hand) ... do dirty things with her? |
| Hawke: | What sort of dirty things? |
| Merrill: | Eat snacks without washing her hands first! |
| Isabela: | Well, I must admit, I do enjoy a little snacking from time to time. |
| Aveline: | You could stand to enjoy a little less. Your bottom isn't getting any slimmer. |
| Isabela: | (grins) I am certainly a handful. |
| Aveline: | (mutters) More like a barrelful. |
| Hawke: | You arrive at the scene of the crime. The torched remains of two caravan wagons are all that remain. There are a few bodies of guardsmen, but they have been stripped of all valuables. |
| Anders: | Was this caused by magic? |
| Hawke: | (rolls) Ser Ponce-a-lot does not detect any presence of magic. |
| Anders: | You see? Cruelty isn't limited to mages. |
| Fenris: | Argenteus will use a small magical charm to make it seem as if magic was involved. |
| Hawke: | (rolls) Argenteus manages to fool Ser Ponce-a-lot with his magical charm. |
| Anders: | But... that's lying! You rotten... |
| Fenris: | Cruelty may not be limited to mages, but it certainly isn't a stranger to them. |
| Anders: | But you're not even a mage! |
| Fenris: | (wry smile) I am only playing Argenteus the way a true magister would behave. |
| Varric: | Crunch sniff around for tracks. |
| Sebastian: | Oh, Sting can track too! He'll help Crunch look for tracks as well. |
| Hawke: | (rolls) The two of you manage to find some slightly obscured tracks leading to the east. You see some rolling hills a few miles in the distance. |
| Isabela: | Oh, this will be easy. We'll go in, rescue the girl, kill the bandits, and take their things. |
| Varric: | You really do sound like Hawke. |
| Hawke: | I don't sound like that! |
| Isabela: | You're right. You sound like this: "Oh, right there! Isabela, don't stop!" |
| Hawke: | (blushes) ... |
| Aveline: | Oh, Maker! I don't want to hear these things! |
| Merrill: | I wouldn't mind hearing a little more. |
| Hawke: | (glares) |
| Isabela: | Er... right. Bandits. Let's head to the east and kill some bandits, shall we? |
| Hawke: | You move carefully to the east, and approach the hills from the wooded side. (rolls) You manage to sneak up on what seems to be the bandit camp. There are several crude wooden cages with some haggard looking people inside. There are several tents and ramshackle huts here. |
| Isabela: | I suppose this is where we attack. |
| Hawke: | You're not going to set up some sort of plan? |
| Isabela: | Why bother? They're bandits. |
| Aveline: | Do we see the things they've looted? |
| Hawke: | (rolls) Yes. |
| Aveline: | And we're sure they're bandits? Are they carrying weapons and keeping prisoners? |
| Hawke: | (rolls) Yes. |
| Aveline: | Then they're bandits. We should bring them to justice. |
| Anders: | Aren't you supposed to be a priestess? |
| Aveline: | We should bring them to the light. And justice. |
| Varric: | Crunch like smash bandits. |
| Hawke: | Very well. You all get a surprise round for attacking while they are unawares. |
| Varric: | Not getting jumped by the enemy for a change? This does seem like science fiction. |
| Hawke: | (glares) |
| Varric: | I mean... uh... Crunch charge closest bandit and smash with sword! |
| Hawke: | (rolls) Crunch the barbarian barrels into the nearest bandit, an elf who doesn't even have time to scream before he falls to Crunch's mighty blade. |
| Isabela: | I can use any of these spells, right? |
| Hawke: | Yes, but some you can only use once before you rest for the night. |
| Anders: | That's ridiculous. A mage who can only use a particular spell once before resting? Who made up these silly rules? |
| Fenris: | Someone who rightly fears the power of magic. |
| Isabela: | I suppose I'll choose this one. "Scorching Burst" on the largest group of bandits I can reach. |
| Hawke: | Oh, that's a good choice. (rolls) You set four bandits on fire. Two of them drop like a sack of potatoes, while the other two are burned, and look angrily at you. |
| Fenris: | A good showing of a magister's power. I shall do the same, except with this spell. Freezing Burst. |
| Hawke: | (rolls) The burned bandits fall, and two others are slowed by your sudden shower of ice and frost. Hm, it seems you have defeated most of the bandits in your initial attack. |
| Varric: | Right, this is usually where the second batch of bandits appears out of nowhere. |
| Hawke: | (blushes) |
| Varric: | Seriously, Hawke? Don't we get enough of this in real life? |
| Hawke: | Hush, you. The door to the largest of the huts opens, and a massive humanoid made entirely of metal emerges. Instead of a left hand, the creature has an enormous serrated blade. Its baleful glowing eyes scan the battlefield and it attempts to cut down the nearest enemy, which is... (rolls) Sebastian. |
| Sebastian: | (mouth full) wuh? |
| Anders: | You're being attacked by the giant metal golem. |
| Sebastian: | (mouth full) wuh moo I moo? |
| Hawke: | (rolls) You take eight points of damage. |
| Sebastian: | (mouth full) Oh. Mnn I moo mmm? |
| Hawke: | Yes. |
| Sebastian: | (mouth full) Mn I mnn. (reaches for another cheese bread) |
| Hawke: | You fire your arrows at the creature, but they do not appear to harm it very much. The creature seems more annoyed than damaged, though some sort of viscous black fluid does leak from the puncture wounds. |
| Merrill: | Oh, Mirabela will sneak behind the golem and cut the backs of its knees! |
| Aveline: | Didn't you name her Meribela? |
| Merrill: | Yes. |
| Aveline: | But you just called her Mirabela. |
| Merrill: | Yes. |
| Aveline: | Those aren't the same thing. |
| Merrill: | They're not? |
| Aveline: | No, they're not. |
| Merrill: | They sound the same to me. You silly humans and your strange pronunciations. |
| Isabela: | It's because we have good control of our tongues. |
| Hawke: | (rolls) Mirabela digs her daggers into the creature's knees. It staggers, but remains standing. |
| Aveline: | Leliana shall strike it with her mace, using... Holy Smite. |
| Varric: | It's like hitting something with a big wooden sign that says "Don't" on it. |
| Aveline: | Hush, Crunch. |
| Hawke: | (rolls) Leliana is unfortunately unable to strike a vulnerable spot. The divine energy dissipates harmlessly. |
| Anders: | Ser Ponce-a-lot shall smite it with his sword. A pity there don't seem to be any mages to enslave, but he'll take it out on the monster. |
| Hawke: | (rolls) Ser Ponce-a-lot successfully stabs the creature in the gut. It staggers and falls, bleeding its black viscous fluid all over the soft earth. We'll stop here for this session. |
| Merrill: | Next time we can loot the bodies! |
| Isabela: | That's the second-best part. |
| Merrill: | What's the best? |
| Isabela: | The victory sex, of course. |
| Hawke: | Alright, is everyone here? Are we ready to begin? |
| Isabela: | Ooh, wait. Let me get comfortable. (sits down on Hawke's lap, then lifts a tankard of ale) Proceed. |
| Hawke: | You can't sit here, Isabela. You'll be able to see all of my secrets. |
| Isabela: | I already have, sweet thing. |
| Aveline: | Quit wasting time! |
| Isabela: | Spoilsport. (Sits next to Merrill) |
| Sebastian: | (chewing) These cheese breads are quite delightful! |
| Anders: | Can I start oppressing mages yet? |
| Fenris: | Can I start enslaving everyone yet? |
| Hawke: | You two need to settle down. You're only going to be one mage and one templar, you won't be able to enslave all of the people in the world by yourselves. And you're only level one. |
| Merrill: | Level one? |
| Varric: | It means we're starting off as new adventurers, not seasoned and experienced types like us. |
| Merrill: | You mean Mirabela won't be a sexy, experienced pirate? |
| Isabela: | Mirabela? |
| Merrill: | My character's name! |
| Isabela: | That's adorable! |
| Hawke: | She brings up a good point. What are your characters' names? |
| Merrill: | Mirabela the sexy pirate! |
| Varric: | Crunch am warrior from the South! |
| Aveline: | Leliana, the priestess. |
| Isabela: | Not very creative are you? |
| Aveline: | (reddening) Shut up, whore. It's not like yours is much better. |
| Isabela: | It is so. It's an absolutely wonderful name. My mage is named Cawke. |
| Aveline: | ... |
| Anders: | ... |
| Hawke: | ... |
| Sebastian: | (chewing) Does anyone else want some of these cheese breads? They really are delicious! (Looks around at all the silent people) Did I miss something? |
| Hawke: | (clears throat) No. What is your character's name, Sebastian? |
| Sebastian: | Aye, call my archer Sting. |
| Hawke: | Very well. |
| Fenris: | My magister is named Argenteus. |
| Anders: | I've named my templar Ser Ponce-a-lot. |
| Hawke: | Very well. Let's begin then. You've all been called together to meet at the inn with a local lord named Ser Stavros. He's a heavy set man - balding, with big sideburns and a thick mustache. His clothing is fine, but worn and dirty. He looks worried as he approaches you. Who shall speak for the group? |
| Isabela: | I shall! The mighty Cawke to the rescue! |
| Aveline: | Why do I get the feeling this is a huge mistake? |
| Isabela: | Nonsense. Cawke is generous to a fault. She helps everyone, profit or not. |
| Hawke: | Alright. Stavros explains that his daughter, the lovely Nalia, has been kidnapped by brigands and is seeking the help of a team of adventurers such as yourselves to rescue her. |
| Merrill: | Oh! Can Meribela do dirty things with her? |
| Hawke: | Ser Stavros looks aghast at the suggestion. |
| Isabela: | (to Merrill) Don't worry, Kitten. Just do what I do. Nod your head, and have your way with her later. |
| Hawke: | What are you going on about? |
| Isabela: | (nods at Hawke) See? |
| Aveline: | What can Ser Stavros tell us about these bandits? |
| Anders: | Are there any mages among them? |
| Fenris: | Hmm... a group of weak-willed bandits would be a good start for Argenteus to build his army of slaves. |
| Hawke: | They seem to be a group of bandits that have been attacking trade caravans. The lady Nalia was being escorted by one. |
| Isabela: | Cawke the heroic will rescue her! |
| Varric: | Crunch like smash bandits. Crunch come help. |
| Aveline: | I suppose that Leliana would like to try to rescue any of the other prisoners. |
| Merrill: | Oh, it sounds lovely. Meribela will help as well! |
| Isabela: | (clears throat) |
| Merrill: | Yes? |
| Isabela: | (whispers into Merrill's ear) |
| Merrill: | Oh, yes. Meribela demands to know what sort of rewards we'll be receiving from Ser Stavros. |
| Aveline: | Shouldn't saving people be its own reward? |
| Isabela: | Oh, yes. My Cawke is all about helping those in need. My Cawke shall lead our group to rescue the fair Nalia and defeat the brigands in the morning. |
| Varric: | Crunch is ready to smash. |
| Merrill: | Meribela looks for some barmaids to do dirty things with. |
| Aveline: | Leliana shall spend her evening in prayer. |
| Fenris: | Argenteus shall sit and drink. Alone. |
| Anders: | Ser Ponce-a-lot will drink too. More alone than Argenteus. |
| Aveline: | Sebastian, did you eat all of the cheese breads?! I wanted one of those! |
| Hawke: | I can see that our next session will be certainly interesting. |
| Hawke: | Well, I suppose you're wondering why I called you here tonight. |
| Merrill: | You said it'd be fun! |
| Varric: | (shrugs) The merchant's guild is looking for me at the Hanged Man. |
| Anders: | You said it'd be a night of escapism. |
| Fenris: | You asked. I came. |
| Aveline: | You said it would be an enjoyable and relaxing evening. |
| Isabela: | The same reason as Aveline. You promised me alcohol and sex. |
| Aveline: | That's not what we're doing tonight! |
| Isabela: | Perhaps not, but it's what *I'm* doing tonight. |
| Sebastian: | I had nothing else pressing. (quietly) Nobody asks me to things... |
| Hawke: | I wanted to try playing a game tonight. It's a "role playing game". |
| Aveline: | How does it work? |
| Hawke: | You each make a character who goes on adventures. You can choose a race and a profession for your adventuring. |
| Merrill: | So we can be whoever we want to be? |
| Isabela: | And what do *you* play, sweet thing? |
| Hawke: | I'm the game master. You play your characters and I play the rest of the world. |
| Isabela: | The world of Hawke, hm? I'm intrigued. |
| Merrill: | This does sound like fun! |
| Anders: | Are mages oppressed in your world? |
| Fenris: | Or slave owners? |
| Aveline: | What sort of world is it? |
| Hawke: | It's a world of science fiction. |
| Varric: | Science fiction, huh? What's that mean? |
| Hawke: | It's a world like ours, but there's more futuristic elements in it. |
| Aveline: | Like what? |
| Hawke: | Well... imagine a world with airships, and more crossbows like Bianca. A lot more magic is involved, and there are free-willed golems who wander the world. There are people like us... mercenaries, mages, rogues, pirates, elves, dwarves, humans, and all sorts. |
| Aveline: | That all sounds a bit far-fetched. |
| Varric: | That's why it's science *fiction*. |
| Hawke: | Tonight we won't start playing, but we'll set it aside to make your characters. |
| Merrill: | Can we really be anything we want? |
| Fenris: | The mages will rule over the slaves? |
| Anders: | The templars will rule over the mages? |
| Hawke: | Not entirely. You can create your character, but you all have certain starting limitations, like wealth, powers, and such. |
| Sebastian: | So... do we just make ourselves then? |
| Hawke: | Not if you don't want to. It's an excellent time to try something different. It is a game, after all. |
| Aveline: | Someone not me, hmm? |
| Varric: | Perhaps a wizard? A priestess? |
| Aveline: | I always wondered what it would be like if I had grown up in the Chantry. That red-headed trickster in Lothering always said it was very soothing. |
| Sebastian: | (reading) The priests in this game wear heavy armor and hit things with maces. |
| Varric: | Perhaps not too far off from the truth, then. |
| Merrill: | Oh! I want to be a pirate! |
| Isabela: | That can be arranged, Kitten. |
| Merrill: | I meant in the game. A confident, sexy, female pirate. Who does dirty things all the time! |
| Isabela: | I approve. Thumbs up! |
| Aveline: | You would. |
| Anders: | Then I'll make a templar. One who goes about enslaving the mages. |
| Varric: | I don't think they do that in this game, Blondie. |
| Anders: | Well, I play this character how I like, right? |
| Hawke: | Yes, that's right. |
| Anders: | Then I want to make a templar that enslaves people. |
| Fenris: | That's preposterous. What about the mages? Do they control the world? Enslave the masses? Crush them under their booted heels? |
| Hawke: | The mages in this world are very powerful. They do tend to control things. |
| Fenris: | Bah, then I shall make my character a magister. Show these fools what mages are truly like. |
| Anders: | Good luck. I'll have you locked up in a tower before you can blink. |
| Sebastian: | Er... Perhaps I'll play an archer, then. |
| Isabela: | What a surprise. A boring choice. |
| Sebastian: | I like archery! |
| Isabela: | Yes, yes, you like shooting your bow by yourself. Whatever. Next? |
| Varric: | I think I'll make a warrior. A big, tall warrior who stands in the front and smashes things with a big sword. |
| Merrill: | Will he wear a loin cloth and grunt a lot? |
| Varric: | You can't go wrong with the classics. |
| Hawke: | Is that going to be enough for someone like Varric to play? |
| Varric: | I think I'll add something special. Perhaps a small pet. A little nug, maybe? |
| Aveline: | That sounds a bit elaborate. |
| Varric: | I aim to please. |
| Hawke: | Alright, so I've got... Varric the warrior, Aveline the priestess, Merrill the pirate... |
| Isabela: | *Sexy* pirate! |
| Hawke: | ... Merrill the *sexy* pirate, Anders the templar, Fenris the magister, and Sebastian the archer. |
| Varric: | You're right, Rivaini. He *is* boring. |
| Hawke: | The only one who's left is you, Isabela. |
| Isabela: | I've already decided. |
| Aveline: | Well, don't keep us all waiting. |
| Isabela: | I've decided to play as a mage. |
| Sebastian: | That's it? |
| Isabela: | (mimicking Hawke's voice) Oh, my name is Falcon, and I am a mage. I help everyone in need with no eye for profit at all, and my tongue is six inches long~ |
| Hawke: | (blushes) My tongue is not six inches long! |
| Isabela: | Oh? It sure *feels* that way, sweet thing. |
| Aveline: | (sighs) I should have known. |
| Merrill: | (deeper voice) Hello and nice to meet you, miss Falcon. I would like to do dirty things with you. |
| Varric: | It certainly sounds like this could be an interesting time. |
| Hawke: | Well, I'm glad we had this session. Next time, we'll start the actual game. |
| Isabela: | That sounds lovely. Now, where’s that alcohol? |
If DA3 speculation includes the return of the Maker, why not the return/rebirth/reveal of Andraste? How momentous an event for those followers of the faith! How glorious it would be to see the Bride, the Prophet, the Rebel…
How interesting it would be to compare her to a certain infamous belt buckle.
Oh dear, is it time for one of these again? Very well, if we must, I shall once again compare myself and my friends to food. Because I’ve had a taste, and so should you all.
ANDERS
Our resident revolutionary is a sugar twist donut. He looks good and he’s sweet, but you’ll notice that he’s twisted from start to finish.
AVELINE
She’s a bagel. She might look like a donut from a distance, but she’s totally practical and not very sweet. Something of a donut alternative, with the need to actually spread something sweet on top.
BETHANY
Sweetness is a cinnamon sugar donut. She’s not quite to the point where the icing has completely enveloped her, but she’s still light, fluffy, and sweet. She’s also got a hint of spice that not many have noticed yet.
Fenris
Our brooding friend is a lemon-filled donut. He looks pleasant on the outside, but he’s got a deep streak of melancholy and a sour disposition on the inside.
Merrill
Kitten is a maple bar. She’s incredibly sweet, with a flavor and scent that reminds you of fresh maple syrup. Also, she’s a bit sappy.
Hawke
Hawke has got to be a raspberry-filled donut. Not only is she eye-catching on the outside with good flavor, but she has the tart and tangy personality. It isn’t necessarily the sweetest, of the bunch, but it is the most delicious. Plus I love licking the jam out from inside.
Isabela
I’m a fresh glazed donut. I’m soft, pliable, delicious, and more people have had me before than any of the others.
Varric:
No, he isn’t a donut hole. Varric is actually a custard donut. He’s sweet and round, but he has this hidden bit of richness inside that he doesn’t show so readily to others. It only comes out through his actions, as he cares for his friends.
Carver
The little man is a plain cake donut. Dense, not very sweet, and plain… He tends to be eaten while dunked in coffee, which gives him that bitter taste. Plus, from the top down, he looks kind of like a butthole.
Sebastian
Our esteemed princeling is a collection of donut holes. He used to be part of something bigger, sweeter, and more fun, but not anymore.
And thus will any trip to Dunkin’ Donuts be made all the better.
This crude crossover sketch was the result of a conversation with Isabela. Apparently the pirate queen has been reading the comic book exploits of mutant heroes. I wonder if it has to do with all of the snug costumes…
This is the first in a small series, and for the DA2 companions-as-X-men roll call, we have:
Varric as Professor X
Anders as Dark Phoenix
Sebastian as Angel
Because any time a silly idea takes root in my head, it cannot be easily vanquished. So you all get sketchy and crude DA2 minifigs.
And you get my confession that I cannot draw along a straight line to save my life. Even with a ruler. And minifigs are all straight lines and edges…there was much woe. T_T
Part 2 of Aveline’s adventures with the “don’t” sign.
A crude rendering of Isabela’s other side business - that is, when she is not helping Varric peddle Champion merchandise. And possibly another “Maker, NOOOO!” moment for the Prince of Starkhaven.
I get the giggles at the mere mention of Andraste’s granny panties.
