Oh, what a novel question. Lucky charms, hm? What would they be? Well, I’d probably make them about my own personal lucky charms. And they come in different colors, right? So here is how I would rearrange them.
- Pink tongues. When I see one, I am usually feeling lucky. Or about to get lucky. One of the two.
- Blue eyes. The feeling of a certain person’s blue eyes on me always makes me feel lucky. And about to get lucky.
- Green vials (of sugary poison). The best poisons tend to taste delicious. It’s their antidotes that taste foul. It doesn’t hurt to make your own luck sometimes, hm?
- Yellow ships. Mustard-colored satin is rather tiresome, but it is still a symbol of freedom, and that always brings luck.
- Purple tankards. My favorite Llomerryn whiskey, red and blue flavors mixed together.
- Red blades. Stained with the blood of a defeated opponent, of course.
And, of course, I’d have some deliciously sweet cereal with a hint of rum flavor. Because everyone needs a little pick-me-up in the morning. What about all of you, my darlings? How would you rearrange your favorite charms?
I don’t know that anything could top ‘purple tankards’ (or rum-flavored cereal…woe that my local grocer does not offer such treats).
If I had my druthers, I’d like the following marshmallow treats:
- Red suns - for impending storms, and the subsequent beautiful sunrise. I like the duality.
- Yellow coins - specifically, arcade tokens. Something that always promised hours of adventure and fun.
- Green hats - Link-hats. You know, for courage.
- Blue moons - for both the night sky and random encounters and happenstance.
- White skulls - just because.
I’ll let you in on a little secret, my darling. Show me a person who is never unhappy with the way they look, and I’ll show you a guaranteed liar. Everyone has body issues at some point, my lovely, even me.
Perhaps it is the stretch marks from the exercise, or the discoloration or shape of your teeth. It might be the color of your skin, a nasty scar from childhood, or that extra bit of belly fat. Perhaps your breasts are too small, or your rear too big, or your thighs touch, or your shoulders too broad. Maybe your hair is too limp, or too short, or too long, or too dark, or too blonde. You might feel your fingers are too short and fat, or too long and bony, or your muscles are too big, or too small, or not strong enough. Your private parts might be too large, or too small, or are strangely shaped. Perhaps your legs feel too long and gangly, or too short, or not shaped right. It could be wrinkles or blemishes on your skin, it could be bemoaning the fact you have too many or not enough piercings, the color, size, or shape of your eyes, or any of a host of things. Name a feature and I guarantee you that somebody somewhere is agonizing over how awful it is on him or her.
So, my wonderful anonymous querent, it all comes down to the reason behind why you don’t think you look good while naked. Will you truly be happy if that one thing is changed? If you’re slimmer or curvier, taller or shorter, buxom or svelte? Or will there always be another thing, another stop on the path that keeps you from truly thinking that you are just wonderful already?
I’ll let you in on a little secret. The trick to it all isn’t to focus on the flaws. It’s to focus on the things you know and love about yourself. Instead of thinking “I’m too fat” or “My teeth are too ugly” or “my hair is just terrible”, put them aside and focus on things you like about yourself. Whenever you look in that mirror and see the things you dislike, remember to take the time and really pay attention and appreciate the things that are wonderful about you. You have gorgeous eyes. You’ve got a lovely laugh. I have a fantastic set of breasts. I have a marvelous rear. I’ve got a wicked sense of humor. I am double jointed.
On top of that, since you brought up diet and exercise, you shouldn’t treat it as an either/or situation. You aren’t either perfect or garbage. One can run the full range from horrific to gorgeous. Specifically with diet and exercise, you must remember that it’s a gradual process. Building up health, losing weight, gaining muscle - these are all things that aren’t done in the blink of an eye. It takes weeks to see even the smallest results, months to see others, and everyone’s body is different. Did you think that I became strong, fast, or agile overnight? I spent weeks slaving away from sun up to long past sundown doing chores on a ship before I was strong. It took me months to learn the basics of fighting, and I had more bruises and painful mornings than I can remember. If you wish to take the path of physical improvement, you must focus on the long term, and you must take encouragement from the small things. Perhaps you won’t lose so much weight at once, but you can start noticing smaller things like less shortness of breath, more muscle definition, or the ability to go for longer periods of time before resting.
Ultimately, my solution to this problem is to remember and appreciate the things I like about myself, and using that to help fuel any other drive I have to improve. Perhaps I want to be faster, or stronger, or thinner, or healthier. I would try to work toward that goal, but at the same time never lose sight of the things that are working for me. Because the most important thing you can do, day in and day out, is to love yourself.
isabelaexplainsitall asked: What is the most outrageous thing you've put in your mouth on purpose?
I’m sure you’re looking for something salacious, o most provocative one.
Instead, I shall give you this:
On a dare and a bet, I put a spoonful of this delicious, yet painful and burning, stuff in my mouth. I endured, though I may have blown out a tear duct in the process.
I’ll be honest, my darling querent… my approach isn’t for everyone. It will get results, but they may not be the sort of results you might be hoping for.
I usually approach a woman the same way that I approach a man. I usually find somebody I find acceptable, make some sort of comment dripping with innuendo, and see if I get a positive response. Many times, I don’t. I’ve gotten reactions that run the gamut from looks and exclamations of disgust, to fear and flight, to blushes and laughing. When I approach a man, they tend to respond as if to a challenge. For women, they tend to play the game to see whether I’m willing to continue chasing some.
It also depends on the sort of person you’re hoping to attract. If you’re the one making the initial approach, you’re more likely to get someone who waits to be approached, rather than takes the lead. You should be willing and ready to be on top in that case.
I will say that as the one doing the approaching, you must must must be ready to stomach rejection. It isn’t anything that personal, after all. These are people who don’t know you, and have only the most cursory of information to decide on. It might be something as simple as the way you’ve done your hair, or the color of your shirt, or the jewelry you wear that tips the scale in or out of your favor. But I’ll guarantee you that if you cast a wide enough net, you’re bound to catch something. And even if you don’t, you need to be confident enough in yourself to have a good time even if you don’t get someone to say yes.
That said, people do tend to react well to confidence. If you project confidence, you’ll get better results. The tortured, brooding attitude only works if you’re lucky enough to be extremely pretty to begin with. Confidence and a smile will get you a lot farther and make you a lot more fun to be around. Aside from that, make it a challenge and a game when you approach. Don’t be blunt, but provide a little mystery. Engage your targets, make them guess, make them speak, make them converse. The more they talk, the more comfortable they’ll feel, and the more likely you’ll end up with a pleasantly shared experience.
If you aren’t sure how to gauge a response, look for the main clues. First, a smile. You want to make sure your prey is happy that you’re there, and not awkward or uncomfortable. There will always be an element of awkwardness and discomfort since you’ve only just met. However, if there’s a smile, that means that there’s also some interest and perhaps even a little mystery. That’s good.
Second, eye contact. Don’t stare, but make eye contact. You want to see pupils. Make sure you look from pupil to pupil, but don’t hold the gaze too long. Look away from time to time, then look back. And don’t ignore anyone this person might be with either! It’s awful when you’re with friends and then somebody comes to chat your friend up and completely ignores you. You want it to feel as organic as possible, and you must realize that his or her friends will make a huge part in the decision-making process.
Finally, don’t dominate the conversation. Engage, duel, and make it fun on its own. Talk about things that interest you both, or things that elicit an opinion. Don’t ask too many questions that are easily answered (yes, no, I’m from Starkhaven, etc.). Try to ask things that get him talking more. The more he talks, the more comfortable he’ll be with you.
Make sure that he knows you’re attracted to him, through things like proximity, eye contact, smiling, that sort of thing. If he responds well to your advances (smiles, conversation, eye contact), then you can try to take it to the next level.
For many of us, today is a day of romance. One where you spend your time staring into the eyes of someone you care about, exchanging sweets and kisses (or other bodily fluids), and generally basking in the presence of someone you care about. Or it is a reminder of being alone, and how sad and pathetic one’s life is for not having someone special to share it with.
And this is why I have chosen to answer these two particular questions today. I wanted to touch on this very important bit of love that you should hold dear to your heart, and that’s love for yourself. It’s not an easy thing, and it’s not something everyone does naturally, but it is something very important.
I could make the joking answer here. How does one love themselves? Vigorously. With wild abandon. With your fingers. Often. How does one keep one’s confidence up? Stroke it gently and teasingly until it explodes in a shower of satisfied bliss.
But most jokes aside, I wanted to try to tell each and every one of you out there who deal with this sort of question every day that it’s not something that always comes as easily as I do. For many, loving oneself is very difficult. Perhaps there’s some physical quality that bothers you… I’ll never have fair unblemished skin, or be slender and trim, or have a long, straight nose. It might be a mental quality… I’ll never be shy and demure, or incredibly knowledgeable, or suave and debonair enough to be a smooth talker. And I know that for some, the weight of these doubts, fears, and general anxieties can be so heavy as to nearly crush them. It can feel hopeless when it seems nothing is going right in one’s life, or that no one will ever like or accept you.
To anyone who’s ever felt like that, you are not alone. I’ll tell you how I came to love myself. I think it can work for you as well.
What you can do is start by finding one thing you like about yourself. Perhaps it’s a nice smile, or that you have a great knowledge of different kinds of cheese. You could think that elves are the cutest thing, or that you love the taste of chocolate. Don’t worry about what others think. Start with your special thing, and refuse to compromise on it. No matter what it is that others might think, it doesn’t matter. They’re wrong. Your special thing is sacrosanct. Only your opinion matters. And you like it, because it is something you care about.
They don’t know me. I know me.
Focus on that, and build on it. You can find people who share your love of chocolate, or who like baking. You can begin to identify other aspects of yourself you like, and you can refuse to be shamed for liking them. The important thing is to stop letting anyone disparage or mock that quality of yourself. It is something good about you. It is something worthwhile. It is a quality that you are happy you have and that you are proud of.
I understand that it isn’t always easy. Sometimes you’ll fail, and that’s alright. Sometimes you might feel horrible. Sometimes it might seem like everything is lost, and that there’s no hope at all. It’s fine to fail at it as long as you don’t give up. Find your center, find that one thing you like about yourself, and start again.
We’re human. It is very human to crave acceptance and validation. We innately want to feel like we are worthwhile people. But what makes us worthwhile people isn’t the acceptance and validation of others. That is fleeting. People change their minds all the time. They age, they grow, and their perspectives change over time. Others will come and go, even those you love, but you’ll always have you. As such, you need to love and respect yourself. You’re the only you that you’ve got, but don’t fret. You’ve got a truly wonderful you. You just need to see and accept that.
And that’s my love letter to you on today, the day of romance.
Cheers, my darlings.
It is Assterpiece Wednesday, and that means it is time for this week’s vision of loveliness. I’ve been asked by one rather astute reader for two cheeks with the same query. Sadly, I’ve only been able to wrangle the she-bear for so long… any discussion than stretches over more than one ass and she gets cranky. As such, I’ve managed to convince her to review the lonesome hindquarters for this week.
So, my darling snowflakeinjuly, we have graciously accepted your request, and shall be reviewing a woman whose attitude I can admire, if not her vocation. She is a hunter of intergalactic bounties, a killer of space pirates, an explorer and survivor against all odds. I’m talking about the armored enigma, Samus Aran.
Greetings, my lovelies. It is that time of year where love is in the air, and both plants and people bloom and blossom like flowers. However, navigating the stormy seas of love can be difficult. Flowers have thorns, people can get prickly, and the seas can make you sick. Some sage advice, and an experienced hand could help guide you through the troubled waters and into the open harbor of your affection.
Thus I am declaring this as the Month of Love, and opening my box to any interested querents with questions about love, sex, or life. Feel free to ask for relationship advice, or about that special someone, or anything on your mind. If it’s love-related, I would be honored to help.
And, to help kick off the first-ever Month of Love, I promise that one random winner will receive an actual prize of some sort through a random drawing, should they be interested. More on the actual prize later.
So, do you have a question you’d like answered? I await with baited breath.
Has it been an entire year already? Where does the time go? Once again, the month of love is upon us and I am opening my box specifically for those who would wish to ask romance-related questions.
This year, I shall also be providing a prize - all of the romance you could want in the magical place beyond the stars. The winner will receive a code for the Mass Effect Trilogy for the PC, and the lucky winner shall be randomly drawn from those who ask questions (even if I don’t have the opportunity to answer your question), but you must provide me a means of contact to claim your prize should you be the one most fortunate. You may ask as many questions as you like, but you will only be entered once. Best of luck, my lovelies, and I hope that you all have a wonderful and lovely month of love.
Mm, three delicious questions, each with a different answer. Very well, my darling. I’ll play. The thing to remember is that I’m not a fancy cook. Almost all of my recipes must be simple and easy to prepare, since I tend to cook only when the need arises, be it on a ship or in the field. In most cases, I have very limited ingredients and facilities available, so much of it is making do with what one has available.
The recipe I enjoy preparing myself is a very simple one. I enjoy making cookies.
- 1 cup butter
- 2 cups sugar (like Hawke and I, I suggest a healthy mix of white and brown)
- 3 cups flour
- 2 eggs
- 1 teaspoon baking soda
- 2 teaspoons of hot water
- 2 teaspoons rum
- 2-3 cups of things that go well in cookies (chocolate bits, raisins, nuts, candies, your choice)
- A dash of salt
- A bit of vanilla bean, diced and mashed
Set aside the things that go well in cookies. Crack the eggs, melt the butter, and mix them along with the rest of the ingredients in a bowl. Some suggest using a whisk, but I’ve always had the best results by just getting both hands in there and mixing with my palms and fingers. Grasp the bits of dough firmly and squeeze hard, feeling the deliciousness ooze through your fingers. Repeat the process until it is all nice and uniform. Once you’ve done that, mix in the things that go well in cookies, and continue squeezing and grasping until they are once again uniform.
Bake in an oven at 350°F or 175°C for approximately 10 minutes. If you lack an oven, I suppose a warm fire will do. Just keep the heat reasonably high, and it should be a delicious and golden brown soon.
I love preparing this recipe because it lets me get all sorts of sweet, delectable deliciousness directly in my hands. I like the feeling of it underneath my fingers, and it is easy and tasty, even before you bake it. Everyone loves cookie dough, and the prospect of licking fingers always makes me smile.
Now… as for one I enjoy serving…
I never get tired of seeing the reaction people have of seeing extremely fresh and raw calamari being served with soy sauce on a bed of noodles. It isn’t something you get to see often, since the squid must be alive shortly before serving, but the reactions are priceless. Plus, as Hawke can attest, there’s always the delight of things that wiggle as you eat them. I’ll serve this while on the sea, when the crew gets the opportunity to catch some fresh squid. It certainly livens up meal times in the galley!
Finally, who is the better cook? Clearly, I am. The human boulder is an awful cook. Firstly, she’s from Ferelden. Have you ever eaten Ferelden cuisine? Everything they make is either gray and mushy, or hard and gritty. Disgusting. The only thing worth consuming in Ferelden is their wine. Secondly, she’s got no sense of finesse. She doesn’t really understand the concept of this or that “to taste”. I suspect that all that grinding of her teeth has affected her taste buds. Whenever it says “to taste”, she gets this confused look on her face and ignores the ingredient altogether. Finally, she lacks the temperament for cooking. She’s patient enough, but she’s so focused on how to properly do things that she doesn’t pick up on the why they are necessary.
I’m pretty sure that she once burned water.
I, on the other hand, tend not to adhere too strictly to exact recipe measurements and procedures. Many of the dishes I end up creating are a bit different from the usual, but they are all fun to eat.
Well, my darling mastradon… there is one tale you might like. My mother used to tell it to me when I was a little girl.
A long time ago, in a land far away, there was a hidden island where all the spirits of the world dwelled. They had no contact with the outside world, and lived idyllically in their own land and were content.
One day, a shipwrecked sailor washed up on the shore of the island, and a curious spirit happened to see him. The spirit had never seen a human before, and watched him from afar. For days, the spirit observed as the sailor gathered things to eat, built a shelter in which to sleep, and gathered materials for a raft. The spirit had never seen actions like this done before - it had never needed to eat, or to sleep, or to build. It simply was. The spirit was intrigued and continued to observe the sailor.
However, the spirit was not alone. Its friend, a second spirit, was worried about its companion. The second spirit had spent more time than it could remember with the first, and this strange fascination the first had with this creature caused a rift between the two friends. Finally, one day the second pulled the first aside with a dire warning. The human would never understand the spirits, and would flee from them. The first disagreed, and the second fled, hurt by betrayal for the first time in its memory.
Eventually the first spirit finally gathered its courage and tried to approach the sailor. The sailor was terrified and ran from the spirit, causing the spirit to feel great sadness. But the spirit remained fascinated by the sailor, and as the human slept, the spirit watched his dreams. The spirit willed itself to look like one of the creatures in the sailor’s dream, taking the shape of a beautiful woman. The next day, the spirit approached the sailor again, and he welcomed it with open arms. He taught it to speak, and they built the raft together. The spirit found a new emotion it had never felt before, and wished to stay with the sailor despite not knowing what else would come.
Time passed, and the raft was finally complete. The sailor took the spirit with him onto the small vessel, and the two sailed back to the lands of men. The sailor took the spirit and made it his wife. For a time, they were very happy together. The curious spirit was happier than it had ever been, experiencing many new things and sensations.
The second spirit, however, had observed the first leaving. The spirit grew angrier and angrier, speaking with the other spirits and swelling to a greater and greater size. The angry spirit tried to swallow its feelings but they could not be stopped. It told the other spirits of what happened to its friend, and the odd creature that had come and gone. Some of the spirits were frightened, others curious, and still others were angry. Several of the island spirits gathered with the angry spirit and left the island, looking for their lost compatriot.
But time passes differently for spirits than it does for us. By the time the spirits departed their island, whole years had flown by.
To the great surprise of the curious spirit who had come to the world, it conceived and gave birth to children with the sailor. Their children were human, but were able to innately see and communicate with the spirit in its native speech, and they would eventually discover that this ability extended to other spirits as well. The sailor eventually died of old age, and the curious spirit would finally learn that its old friend had told the other spirits of what had happened.
The angry spirit became a great terror, killing many humans in rage for taking its best friend away. It and its followers became known as demons, and were treated as the monsters they had become. Whenever the demons would arrive, great destruction would follow until the seers and friendly spirits combined their forces to drive the demons away.
The curious spirit spent many years helping various humans, and encouraged other spirits it eventually met to do so. It was years before it discovered that the other spirits had begun leaving the island, but it convinced the others to join in and they became collectively known as friendly spirits to the people and seers, hiding from us but still inquisitive and curious. Sometimes one will reach out to a seer in specific and temporarily join together, binding the power and knowledge of a spirit with the temperance and wisdom of a human.
The spirit’s children with the sailor grew, married, and multiplied, becoming the first Rivaini seers. They maintained their link to the spirit world, and were able to consult with them as needed. Their connection to the spirits allows them great wisdom, as well as the ability to divine hidden knowledge and perform amazing feats. They live in harmony with the spirits of the world, and remain able to see and interpret the things hidden from the humans to this day, though some say that their ability to commune with the spirits varies with the strength of the bloodline.
And that, my darling mastradon, is how demons, spirits, and seers came to be.
Alright, my darling… first you need to decide on a goal when you go out. Despite local rumors to the contrary, even when I was alone, I didn’t always go to the tavern or the dance hall with the sole purpose of finding a bedmate for the night. I certainly enjoyed when the occasion warranted, but there are many avenues to a pleasurable evenings to be had, both naked and not. Spending an evening in the company of old friends and new, dancing and drinking, is a wonderful way to pass a night and have fun while you’re at it.
And therein lies the crux of my advice. Don’t rush things, and don’t focus too hard on finding someone to grapple with you between the sheets. Concentrate just on having fun, and let the good times come to you. Women (and men) are naturally attracted to people who are having a good time. Everyone wants to have a good time, especially in an environment like a club, and if you’re enjoying yourself and it shows, they’ll be naturally intrigued. Once you’re comfortable in the environment, you can extend this to having a good time with others, and start falling into bed with total strangers if that is your desire. But start by getting comfortable with your surroundings, and don’t try to take on too much at once. There’s no need to rush. Stop and taste the liquor, enjoy the music, and dance with your friends. And who knows? There are plenty of people who prefer to be the aggressors. If you show yourself to be someone who knows how to have a good time, they might just seek you out.
It’s a lot like sex, really. Don’t rush it or it will hurt and you’ll make yourself sick. Do it at your own pace, do what feels good, relax and stay within your comfort zone, and it will all come to you naturally.